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Britain's Worst Bathroom 2017 - COMPETITION CLOSED

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Pamela Catling


You ask me to decry our beloved water closet? I say nay, nay, thrice nay. The opulence of its silver pipe work can take your breath away. The elegant moulded skirting board recalls a gentler age when maids would apply themselves to clean it daily with joyous exclamations. And the spectacular wash basin where four adults daily acclaim their fortune for access to its bounteous features. What wondrous mind conceived the semi-enclosed sanitary ware recess for the protection of the sensibilities of modest users? Not for him the worries of the necessities of reaching into its darkest corners to bring enlightenment. No, dear reader, he left that for others to ponder at another time. How joyous that day must have been when he conceived the notion that the privacy wall could serve a dual purpose! How clever, how sharp were his faculties when he realized the plumbing for the shower could be secreted within its cavity! If only, dear reader (and you cannot fully comprehend my pain at revealing this), his proficiency in plumbing had been a match for the dexterity of his mind. Engaging, sweet man, he laboured long on the intricacies of integrated bath panels and our hearts cherished him, while the panels defeated him. Alas, dear reader, our beloved water closet did not benefit from the skills of artisans in the circle of If only it were possible for such maestros to rescue our beloved water closet by installing the beautiful porcelains of Victoria Plumb, designed for a modern age where the concepts of hygiene, both personal and material, cleaning and maintenance are part of the design. Our lives would be much improved, as would our beloved water closet.

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