Britain's Worst Bathroom

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Tom Ansell

Northampton

Our bathroom is rather gopping. Some highlights...

- Toilet with a sealed-in hidden cistern which initiates 'INFINI-FLUSH' on hot days and jams on, creating a loud cascading waterfall. Bonus terrify-and-quick-reflex points constantly awarded when toilet is blocked. No spillages yet.

- The tiles are of a good quality but the attention to detail in the corners is lacking. Some were seemingly cut by the end of a bulldozer to fit in the corners.

- In places the grout was seemingly applied using a fire hose and none of the dust was ever wiped off leaving the tiles with a slightly suspicious white-powder haze on them

- The bath has stains and hair and hairy stains and stainy hair pretty much embedded into its very soul. It's like the cauldron the witches in Macbeth use when toiling and troubling only probably not as clean.

- The sealant around the edge of the bath isn't really water tight anymore but using its sheer grime to scare water away from the edge

- The bath takes eighteen years to empty. A brutal application of Mr Muscle drain cleaner lowers this to a baker's dozen. Mr Muscle creates an interesting narcotic gas cloud to stumble into if you forget to leave the window open

- The flappy plastic thing under the glass shower curtain is harbouring new life forms and I'm quite sure the whole area will soon be designated some kind of wildlife site and cordoned off to everyone except Chris Packham

- The glass shower curtain was apparently from B&Q. We know this because we received some tools and a part through the post along with a sheepish letter explaining how the shower curtain can sometimes simply detach from the wall without warning and cause what I imagine to be a wee bit of bother for anyone using the facilities. I was greatly concerned when I received this letter and tools as I thought I would have to DIY. Thankfully I forgot about it completely until this competition.

- The power shower is redundant since we had a combi boiler and it sits clamped onto the wall like a beige koala taunting me. Since we cannot use it we have custom fitted a bath-tap-shower combination unit which has a split personality; it doesn't know whether it wants to run a bath or create a shower, even when we are quite explicitly clear on what we want. The shower head has ONE jet which goes off at just the right angle to ensure the entire floor is drenched after each use. Swearing at it hasn't fixed it.

- The overflow on the bath is being held in position by a rubber bung which looks like it's spent most of its life on the hull of the Titanic. If the bath is too full it takes water away from the bath to prevent it over-flowing, which is pretty good I will concede. However, it leaks onto a towel we left behind the bath to prevent it from coming through the lights in the kitchen. Swings/roundabouts.

- There is no extractor fan meaning after a warm shower in the winter we can dramatically kick open the door to send a wave of blinding steam cascading atmospherically down the stairs. This does absolute wonders for the mould and lifeforms already incubating in the sealant and under the shower curtain.

- There is a spider which I think has been painted into the wooden frame around the door. It might be painted or might have just been dead for a long time. I've never found out. I'm pretty sure this won't count.

- Please sent help.

The very kindest regards,

Tom Ansell

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